Open Adoption

From one of the wonderful momma's in our group! Well worth the read...


'Open' Adoption

So....what about 'Open Adoption'??

This is probably the biggest fear/hinderance to people considering domestic adoption. Let's first define what 'Open' means............ it means many, many things!Open adoption can be anywhere from adoptive parents sending pictures/letters to the agency for the bithparents (which they really should be doing no matter how 'open' they are).....to having a birthparent visit every weekend, going on family vacations and doing all holidays together. Open adoption is NOT co-parenting, it is NOT a way for birthparents to 'get the child back', and it does NOT mean you have to agree with either extreme. Many 'Open' adoptions are in the middle, depending on where everyone involved, is at.

We have a totally closed adoption with Addie (per her birthmom's request) we know her birthmom's first name and the medical history of her. We still send pictures/letters/gifts to the agency often for her....she has not yet picked anything up. We want her to know so well, that we love her too, not just for what she gave us...but loving her! So before we got Isaiah I was very hesitant to 'open' adoption...my biggest concern being that my child would, as a teenager, just leave (if they got mad) and would want to live with their birthparents....and that the birthparents would allow that. I heard a story while thinking about how open we wanted to be....I will never forget...it has really changed my perspective on 'open' adoption...

(true story by the way) A guy and his wife were at a meeting in the beginning of their adoption process and when talking about 'open adoption' and the need to send pictures (just pictures mind you) to the agency for the birthmom, he replies, "well she got pregnant...we are doing her a favor....we don't owe her anything, I mean come on...she got herself into this mess"

Fully implying that this was her fault, not even taking time to realize not all babies are conceived from 2 consenting adults...but her fault.....OK then Mr.....so what about you?? I am sure you have some hidden sin in your life(we all do, no matter how big or small...sin is sin)-lets just compare apples to apples, a situation where a woman is choosing to have unprotected s**.....how is that any different then 'Joe's' sin of, oh say pornography??...I am sure 'Joe' has gone to great lengths to make sure no one ever knows, getting rid of all evidence and never having the guts to tell anyone. Maybe confessing to the Lord, but never confessing to everyone around you to make it right. Never doing whatever it takes (throwing a computer away, quitting a job, never-leaving-your-house-without your-wife)...to make it right!

Not only is this woman you are referring to, not getting rid of the evidence(by having an abortion), she is also telling the whole world...over and over and over again for 9 months. Then she, by thinking about adoption, is being scorned, disowned, told-she-is-a-horrible-person, left, abandoned and shamed...by those who claimed to love her. Then she decides to make an adoption plan....knowing full well the hell she will have to go through. She is saying, "I know this is going to rip my heart into shreds...but I am going to do this because I love this child so much that I will give my life, my heart, everything....for this child" She chooses to make the most sacrificial choice............and you won't send her pictures? Email her? Really?!?!?!

While I understand there are some situations that would not be safe for "very open adoptions", I would venture to say that MOST domestic adoptions you are dealing with moms who are NOT alcoholics or on drugs or in jail. These women have heads on their shoulders, many of them extremely smart. Yes, maybe at one point they did make a bad choice, maybe someone made a horrid decision that affected them....either way....they chose life....they chose to sacrifice themselves for this child.

How on earth do you expect a mom to leave a hospital, her baby going home with someone she has just met...who she doesn't know...who she is trusting her precious baby to...thinking she might never see that child again?? Seriously, think about it...put aside all your feelings/concerns...PUT YOURSELF IN HER SHOES Oh, and remember she is going back to nothing (most of the time)..no support system....NOTHING!

In every adoption communication is the key. Communicate specificly with the agency what you are thinking about, ask lots of questions....Our open-ness (with Isaiah's birthmom) consists of R knowing our last names, phone numbers, email, facebook friends,texting, and she has come to visit once(though it is 'open' we still send pics, letters, gifts to the agency and they send them to her). Initially we had a ton of contact, we talked everyday. I made sure to email her pictures EVERY DAY for the first month or so.....I wanted her to be able to heal, to see he was OK, to know we would follow through with what we had said. And communication has tapered off ever since - We let her determine how much we are in contact (wanting to also respect her in the way she needed to grieve/heal)...I am always available if she calls/texts or facebooks...but I am finding that I am the one to make initial contact. All that to say....I love my relationship with R, she totally respects me and sees me as Isaiah's mom. We have a great relationship albeit only through facebook now....she knows that we love her, she trusts us, and she knows we are not just going to take her child...forgetting her....but only because we have been intentional about making sure she knew that.

We know a girl right now who would rather choose a 'non-traditional'(gay) couple because she believes they will follow through with their open-commitment then the 'traditional' couples she has met. And she isn't even asking for weekly visits, she just wants to be able to answer this child's questions when they arise.

here is an excerpt from an email sent to me, from R, a few days after Isaiah was born..
.. I'm just so excited to get to read your e-mails and the updates, my hands are shaking. For some strange reason I really miss all of you not just Isaiah, but you and Bryan. I hope this doesn't sound corny or anything but the love you two guys have for each other and your family and how quickly you showed that to Isaiah has really rubbed off on me. It did something to me. It made me feel good, really good, really Happy!!! I'm really serious. I haven't felt that way, well this way in a long time. Since my father passed away 8 years ago. The anniversary of his death was this pass Saturday. I talked to you on the phone, i read my book, i smiled, i looked at the pictures you gave me, I was really happy that day. That night i kept trying to figure out that there was something i forgot, something i was supposed to remember. I couldn't think of it until my cousin asked me how was I feeling. I told her I was fine. i was puzzled why she ask until she said I thought you would be crying or down because of today. Then it hit me this is the anniversary of my dads passing and I haven't even thought of it, Iwas actually happy!! March 14th is usually a bad day for me, but it wasn't this time. Something was different and I realized very quickly what it was. You, Laura, Bryan, Malachi, Annakay, Addison and the rest of your family. The love your family has and showed so fast just made me feel like i had a new family, not just Isaiah. That's exactly what I wanted for him, and I got just that. You honestly just don't know how much I love you guys for what you have done. Words cannot express how I feel. You erased an 8 year pain fro m my heart so fast and I'm forever grateful to you and Bryan for that....I never really had a family to show love to me when I needed it or to just be there. You guys showed me what that was like, cause I haven't seen it in awhile. I'm just so happy. It gives me reassurance that I did the right thing, even though it hurts and it's hard, i'm happy with my decision. He has a family that will show him lots of love and provide for him, which is all i ever wanted. I have never really been able to talk about it, but with you it just felt easy. I love you guys!!
(used with R's permission:)

Sometimes Open adoption is not an option, the birthmom does not want that...but when she does, think about the impact you can have in her life too....how can you show her God's love??
l
(oh, and remember, it doesn't have to be all or nothing either. It is rarely one extreme over the other...sometimes it is simply emails, texts and pictures/letters:) Though I totally believe sending her gifts is pertinent (I am a gift person:) to show her you remember her:)